WORDS BY TIMMY ODEJIMI
So, lads, you've had your fill of Pokemon GO, it's time to close the app, save your data and find yourself a bae. Crack open Tinder again and start filling the Pokedex that really counts. Here's how to increase your chances of catchin’ 'em all.
Level 1: remove all profile pictures of you with your “female friends”. That means ALL of them. Think about it, how would you feel if it was the opposite was round? Yeah…that’s what we thought.
PHOTO BY MATTIA PELIZZARI VIA STOCKSY; SCREENSHOTS VIA POKEMON
Be smart about it because your profile and bio act more or less like your CV. Don’t say you’re 6’ when you’re actually 5’ 10”. This isn’t the same as lying that you know how to use Microsoft Excel. At the end of the day you want to get the job. And by “the job,” you know what we’re talking about. Of course, you do…we all do.
But, you’ve also got to look the part. Aside from ditching pictures of you and those girls from that night out, you need to include a selfie that’s lit. This doesn’t mean the same selfie with different outfits though. Your selfie game has to be strong if you want to get that ‘swipe’. Also, don’t provide your life story on the bio. Keep it short, sweet and simple. You’re trying to catch ‘em all not chase them away.
Now that we’ve got level one out of the way and you actually come across as “swipe-able,” it’s time to get your James Bond on and rack up that Pokedex with some potential baes.
Let’s be honest, starting a conversation is hard, but that doesn’t mean kicking it off with a “you, me and a Travelodge room”. Even if you’re both on the same wavelength, no girl likes a guy that comes across as a predator. This is 2016, not The Flintstones’ age.
Be smooth about it, but don’t stray into corny or creepy. Let’s be real, you don’t want to be that guy she has a laugh about with her girls at All Bar One during happy hour. Just keep it simple. “Hey, how’s it going?” is more than enough to get the ball rolling. However, this doesn’t mean making a conversation duller than watching paint dry.
Don’t sell her a dream you can’t even afford. If you still live your parents, say so. Don’t bullshit and say, “Yeah I live in a penthouse apartment” when you’re still sleeping in your childhood bedroom. The truth is she might also be in the same situation. It’s 2016, property prices are sky-high and politics is slightly unstable to put it mildly.
But if you do have your own place and you have kids, try not to forget to tell her that. You don’t want to just randomly spring that up on her at dinner (say you get to that level). She’ll soon work out why you’re always busy at 3.30pm.
Oh yeah, dinner. Don’t suggest Nandos, even if she lives for chicken.
(Okay, maybe a ‘cheeky Nandos’ on date five).
Basically, be cool. Show some respect, compliment her and be original. At the end of the day we all want to catch our Pikachu.